Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Randomize
