even the AIR tastes like tequila.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
