I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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