the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
