Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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