Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
