i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
