4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Randomize
