I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
