is your mom at the bar?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
