We named our party play list daddy issues
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
