i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
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He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
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Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Randomize