you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
My ass is underappreciated
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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