Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Randomize
