in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
