I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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