The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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