so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
