Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
