Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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