respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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