god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just saw a hot homeless man
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
She bit a glass in half.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
