My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
