drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize