At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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