Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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