me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
