Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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