She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
