I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
