I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
