god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
