Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
