PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
