I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
