why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
