cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
