Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
