your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
