Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
