pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Bring me that man meat
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
