you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
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mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
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The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize