I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
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I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
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He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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