this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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