dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
