I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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