Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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