so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
