it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
