Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
