cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
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