In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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