Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
