Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
