She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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