Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
accomplished twins. life is a go
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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