Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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