If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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