I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
High School Students Hilariously Rank Celebrities By Their Stank For Class Project
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
15 Things You Truly Understand If You Sleep Next To Someone Who Snores Like A Rhinoceros Every Night
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
So was this before or after he cried about trump?