this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.