Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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