I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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